Dear Portfolio Committee on Social Development,

I write to you as a loving, devoted, committed and passionate father to my 3 minor children from a previous marriage.

My story shared below has followed a difficult and painful journey for almost 4 years through all possible means, of mediation, therapy, legal processes, Children's and High Court, and will hopefully raise a red flag regarding the seriousness and harm caused by parental alienation as well as the inadequacies in the Children's Act, legal processes and so forth.

Please seriously consider to amend the Children's Act to make provision for sufficiently addressing Parental alienation of minor children in all forms as it is child abuse (psychological and emotional) and provide mechanisms, recourse and law to protect our country's children. The outcome of parental alienation is causing major harm to children of South Africa that will negatively impact their future and positive contribution to building their own families and our country. Parental alienation must be made a criminal offence with serious penalties in order to stop it.

In North America, over 25 MILLION PARENTS are being erased from their children’s lives after divorce and separation through parental alienation (www.erasingfamily.org).

Dr Amy Baker did empirical research in USA of 40 adults that took part in her study and had been alienated as children by either their father or mother, and found that although all of the adult children had come to realize that they had been alienated from one parent by the other, the length of time they had been alienated and the age of awareness varied. Length of time alienated ranged from 7 to 47 years, with an average of about 20 years. This is an injustice to children to lose a parent for no good reason due to revenge, bitterness, unforgiveness of the other parent, and in many case due to personality disorders of one of the parents. In most cases when these adult children approached the parent on the matter they were never able to reconcile with that parent and broke off relationship. In some cases they could find their father and reconcile and in other cases the father had passed away leaving that adult with guilt, regret and remorse and the consequence of no relationship with either parent.

It is also important to review and improve the efficacy of Section 35 of the Act to assist parents that are being prevented from contact or access to their children.

I am a father to 3 beautiful daughters (ages 13,14 and 17). I have shared guardianship, parental rights and responsibilities with their mother, as per divorce court order in October 2013. I was actively involved in my daughters lives since birth, and built a good, loving, close and strong relationship with them during our marriage. I loved them dearly and they too loved me very much. My daughters and I continued to enjoy a loving and close relationship during the separation, divorce and thereafter until January 2017 as I continued to maintain regular contact with them by phone calls every week (2-3 times) and visits with my children (4-5 days every 6 weeks). This was because their mother moved from Middelburg Mpumalanga to Cape Town during the separation. I therefore had unhindered contact and access as per our divorce court order.

Their mother remarried in May 2014. The children relocated to Bedford in the Eastern Cape in 2015. In January 2017 after our December holiday visit, the step father contacted me informing that my daughters started pushing back on visits with me and that they wanted to take my eldest daughter to a psychologist. They were also unwilling to provide the name and contact details of the psychologist stating they did not trust me. The step-father also told me at the time that he wanted to hurt me. By March 2017 I received an attorneys letter stating that the children no longer wanted to have overnight and extended stay visits with me and that we should enter mediation. By then all my contact and access to my children was stopped by their mother and step father. My heart was broken, and it was a deeply painful and grieving time in my life, as my girls were my everything. I lived for them. Our divorce order made provision for mediation on disputes or matters concerning the children, however the contact and access had not been varied by any court order so whatever their mother was attempting at the time was unlawful and in contempt of court. So Dr Roux was eventually appointed as parenting coordinator. She confirmed the children had a good relationship with me, that they all still wanted to see me and that there was no good reason why they should not see me or have relationship with me. Dr Roux issued several reports with directives to restore contact in a phased approach however their mother pushed back with false allegations that the children were afraid of me, uncomfortable with me, and stated that she would not force them to see me as she had to act in their best interests. When Dr Roux's findings did not accord or agree with their mother then she attempted to unilaterally terminate Dr Roux's mandate, and when that did not work then stated she could not afford the process. Therapists were also appointed for each of the 3 children in Port Elizabeth by Dr Roux and their therapists were also not able to assist in restoring the optimal functioning of the children or their relationship with me.

I travelled from JHB to Eastern Cape to visit with my children as per the directives issued. All 3 visits failed in September, November and December 2017. My middle daughter wrote me a letter stating she never wanted to see me ever again and that she faked everything with me. When I did see them it was for a limited time (for example 2 hours instead of 2 full days over the weekend as per directive). Their mother kept saying that she was supportive of contact and access and that she was not refusing contact, but that it was the children refusing to see me and she could not force them against their will. Dr Roux found that the mother was not supportive of contact and whilst the mother said all the right things her actions were contrary. Their step father said I was not welcome at his house and that he would determine when I saw my daughters. When I arrived at their house for the next visit (Nov2017) to collect my girls as part of the directive issued, then the step father said I did not have a relationship with my girls but only a piece of paper (referring to the directives issued). In desperation I attempted to open a criminal case at the Humewood Police station in Port Elizabeth on 12 November 2017 in terms of Section 35 of the Children's Act. The SAPS were reluctant to open the case. I provided my divorce court order, the directives issued and referred them to S35 of the Children's Act. It took almost an hour after they consulted with their legal representative before they agreed to open the case (CAS175/11/2017) The case was transferred to Bedford SAPS (CAS 36/11/2017), a constable appointed and nothing ever came of it as I never received any feedback from SAPS.

I backed off after the December 2017 visit to allow the girls space and time as I wanted them to want a relationship with me. This changed nothing. It only got worse. The girls did not even take my phone calls on their birthdays or accept any birthday gifts. Their step-father baptised them in the sea at Jeffreys Bay in December 2017 with full agreement of their mother and gave them a second first name (the first letter of the second name was the same as the first letter of my surname so it became a replacement of my surname). Thereafter the children started using their step-fathers surname on their school books and even used his surname as their own to describe themselves in the school essays on the first day of school in 2018.

I approached the Children's court in Bedford in July 2018 to assist in restoring contact. A court order was made on contact for 3 visits in August, Sept and Oct 2018. A social worker in Bedford was appointed my the children's court to assist. I again travelled to Bedford from JHB and the first 2 visits also did not go well at all - the children were extremely resistant to any contact with me, even with the involvement of the social worker. It was clear from a telephone call by their mother to my youngest daughter that she wanted them to return home (she however said it very subtly) and my daughter was crying on the phone telling her mother that she did not want to go back home. Then the girls started screaming at me telling me that hated me, and never wanted to see me again. So I decided to return them home even though I had every right as per court order to spend the day with them. It was clear that their mother was working disingenuously to prevent meaningful visits and any form of contact and that she was deceitfully and subtly "brainwashing" them to hinder and prevent any form of contact.

During the next visit in Sept 2018, the girls did not engage freely, refused to eat or drink anything and even blocked off their ears with their hands so they could not hear what I said, and placed their heads in their lap to avoid any sightseeing. It was a traumatic experience for them and I found it very agonizing and painful. I agreed to cancel the October 2018 visit given how difficult it was and clearly it was not good for my girls to experience that, neither myself.

Thereafter I approached the Grahamstown High Court in December 2018 to intervene to restore contact and relationship with my girls. A court order was made for the office of the Family Advocate to appoint psychologist Dr de Wit in Port Elizabeth to conduct an investigation into the best interests of the children relating to my access and contact with them. The Family Advocate in Graff-Reinet was appointed and in turn issued a mandate to Dr de Wit to conduct a forensic investigation and report back to their office on the matter and the children's best interests. This investigation commenced in March 2019, and her report was issued in July 2019 and confirmed that the mother had alienated the children from me and hence responsible for parental alienation (to a severe degree), even to the extent that my relationship with my eldest daughter was almost irreparably damaged. Hence with recommendations that the 2 younger girls be placed in my primary care. The family counsellor in Graff-Reinet completed her own investigation, also having met my 2 younger girls in Bedford. The eldest was "out of scope" owing to her age at the time (16). The Family Advocate released their report in November 2019 with a recommendation to the High court amongst others that the 2 younger children be placed in my primary care.

I returned to High Court in December 2019, and their mother opposed the recommendations of the Family Advocate and wanted to appoint her own experts. The judge agreed to this and also made an order for contact during the December school holidays and thereafter every month until the matter went to trial for oral evidence, which was set for March 2020 (this was then postponed due to Covid pandemic and associated lockdown). The court order also stated that oral evidence would be heard to determine in the children's best interests which parent shall be primary care giver, where they shall be primarily resident, attend school and the contact of the non-custodial parent.

Both the December 2019 and January 2020 visits failed miserably, to the extent that my daughters never wanted to see me again, or that I ever be involved in their lives even till when they had their own children one day. They were even okay if I was dead as then they did not have to see me anymore or "continue with the process".

The mother's expert psychologist also confirmed parental alienation and stated that their fake family structure had to be dismantled, and furthermore that the comments the children made to me that they faked everything with me was also fake. He held the view that it was important for their relationship with me to be restored in order to prevent relational issues later in their life in their vocation and other relationships.

The meeting of all the experts involved in this matter was held in May 2020 on Zoom with the Family Advocate and a joint minute was issued and all parties agreed that the 2 younger girls be placed in my primary care, with no contact with their mother in any form for 90 days (electronic or physical) in order to allow the relationship to be rekindled without any interference from their mother or step father. Psycho-therapy was also recommended to heal the relationship. Their mother again refused to agree and then denied any wrongdoing and denied responsibility for parental alienation.

The matter went on trial in Grahamstown High Court during October 2020 (Case 3584/2018). On day 4, court was stopped due to a Covid positive case and the matter was postponed to March 2021.

As a loving, passionate father, I am in the fortunate position to have come so far, and continued so long to restore my contact with my daughters. It has been an extremely challenging, difficult, painful, and expensive journey. I even lost my job in 2018 and was unemployed for 7 months. Even in this time I continued to honour my maintenance obligations, which I have never defaulted on since the divorce in 2013 until this present day. Many fathers and mothers would have abandoned the process already in 2017 due to lack of finances. This was the advice of many family members, friends and colleagues at the time. How do you just give up on your children? I could not just flick a switch to off as if they never existed and continue my life knowing they are alive but never being able to see them again. That's the reality of Parental alienation.

Please act now and put appropriate and adequate measures in place to prevent this terrible and devastating tragedy from continuing in South Africa.

Regards
Herman Heukelman